How do we talk to our kids about hard things?
Kate Bowler and Sesame Street’s Sherri Westin
Duke Professor Kate Bowler is an expert in the stories we tell ourselves about success and failure, suffering and happiness. She had stage IV cancer. Then, after many years of living scan to scan, she didn’t. And since then, all she wants to do is to talk to funny and wise people about how to live with the knowledge that, well, everything happens.
As parents and caregivers, we want to do the impossible–shield our children from pain. But life does not work that way. The questions then become: How do we talk to our kids about hard things? And how do we walk with our children through difficult times in a way that fosters trust and connection?
In this episode, Kate explores this question with Sherrie Westin. Sherrie is President of Global Impact and Philanthropy for Sesame Workshop, the nonprofit educational organization behind Sesame Street.
GETTING STARTED:
Emoji Game: Invite participants to take turns drawing an emoji (they can use their phones for help). Then, have them act out the emotion on the card for the group to guess. Encourage the group to pay attention to which emotions are easier or harder to recognize.
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What emotions are children able to express more naturally than adults?
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As a child, did you feel comfortable sharing your feelings and emotions? If so, who taught you how to do that? If not, how do you wish things were handled differently? Or how are you trying to do things differently with the kids in your life?
Think of a time in your childhood when an adult had to tell you something that was sad or painful. How do you remember experiencing that conversation? Looking back, is there something you wish was said differently or something you wish had been said that wasn’t?
Watch (8 Minutes):
During this clip, Sherrie Westin shares about one of the founders of Sesame Street, Joan Ganz Cooney, who realized that Sesame Street had a unique opportunity to have The Muppets gently face hard topics. In this particular clip, Big Bird learns that his friend, Mr. Hooper, has died. His other friends help him to understand what that means.
DISCUSS:
1. As caregivers, it is tempting to offer platitudes or half-truths to help soften the blow of hard news. But our kids need and deserve honesty from us. What did you notice about how difficult news was delivered to Big Bird about the death of Mr. Hooper? What can we take away from it?
2. Leading with the truth doesn’t always mean we give all the information. How do you figure out what information is age-appropriate? How can you rely on your kids to provide cues as to when they’re ready for more information?
scripture — John 11:28-37 (NRSVUE)
“When she had said this, she went back and called her sister Mary and told her privately, ‘The Teacher is here and is calling for you.’ And when she heard it, she got up quickly and went to him. Now Jesus had not yet come to the village but was still at the place where Martha had met him. The Jews who were with her in the house consoling her saw Mary get up quickly and go out. They followed her because they thought that she was going to the tomb to weep there. When Mary came where Jesus was and saw him, she knelt at his feet and said to him, ‘Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died.’ When Jesus saw her weeping and the Jews who came with her also weeping, he was greatly disturbed in spirit and deeply moved. He said, ‘Where have you laid him?’ They said to him, ‘Lord, come and see.’ Jesus began to weep. So the Jews said, ‘See how he loved him!’ But some of them said, ‘Could not he who opened the eyes of the blind man have kept this man from dying?’”
This passage is known for containing the shortest verse in the Bible (v. 35), which in many translations simply states, “Jesus wept.” This simple sentence reveals Jesus’ humanity, while also reminding us that faith does not shield us from pain. Our faith, which can and does offer hope in the midst of our grief, does not protect us or our children from pain.
3. What emotions can you identify in this passage? How do they mirror the emotions you have experienced during a painful season?
4. Consider how Jesus’ emotions are presented in the passage, particularly his response to seeing Lazarus. Why might it be significant that verse 35 simply states that Jesus began to weep? How can we simply be with our children in their grief instead of pushing them to move forward?
(There is a great podcast with Kate and Rev. Sam Wells about what it means to be with people in their grief. Click here to go deeper into this topic)
5. The last verse in this passage presents a highly relatable response to grief. Why didn’t God stop this from happening? Our children may ask this question in a variety of ways, but inevitably they will ask it as they wrestle with a difficult circumstance. How might you respond to this type of question?
“It’s so important that we are honest with children, but you also notice how they then talk about, ‘But we are all here for you.’ It is so important to be able to emphasize that you’re surrounded by others who love you.”
–Sherrie Westin
6. Mary and Martha had each other, and their community, and Jesus. They were surrounded by people who were there to love and support them. How can we model that type of community for our children? How can we help them understand the importance of community in times of grief and struggle?
A Blessing for tough conversations
Bless those doing the hard and holy work
Bless those doing the hard and holy work
of walking through the highs and
lows of life with children.
Bless the hard conversations
and the uncomfortable truth-telling.
Bless the moments when
we don’t know what to say
and remind us that even
when we feel inadequate,
there is no one better suited for this job.
Be with us as we struggle
to provide comfort
and answers even in our own grief.
Remind us that often “I don’t know”
is the most honest and grace-filled thing we can say.
Keep this truth in front of our eyes:
we are not alone.
No one loves our kids more than us–
except for you.
You are with us (and them)
in every moment.
May your peace be
our constant companion
and your love give us strength.
Amen.
