support guidE
for
facing a terminal diagnosis
Hello,
Death was never part of the plan. Words like hospice can land like a thud—heavy with finality, with the ache of limits we didn’t want to reach. The slow unraveling of these beautiful, fragile lives we love is always worth mourning.
Maybe you’ve known, deep down, that fighting harder isn’t the next right step. Maybe the move toward hospice caught you completely off guard. Whether death comes like a thief or a long-expected visitor, facing it is always both awful and sacred.
You are loved in all your particularity. Your people light up at the sound of your voice—your voice—with its quirks and humor, your eye-rolls and your weird snack preferences. You are not generic. You are irreplaceable. And your death, just like your life, matters.
If you find yourself in that strange, liminal space—between what was and what is ending—you are not alone. If you are a caregiver, heart cracked open while you watch someone you love slip away, you don’t have to do this by yourself.
We’ve curated a small support guide filled with resources and language to steady you for the road ahead. A little light for the next step. A little permission to be exactly where you are.
Bless you, dear one. You are held. You are loved. You are not and will not be forgotten.
With you,
Kate
A blessing for the life you didn’t choose
Blessed are you when the shock subsides,
when vaguely you see a line appear
that divides before and after.
You didn’t draw it,
can barely even make it out.
But as surely as minutes add up to hours and days, here you are,
forced into a story you never would have written.
Blessed are you in the tender place
of awe and dread,
wondering how to be whole
when dreams have disappeared
and part of you with them,
where mastery, control, determination,
bootstrapping and grit
are consigned to the realm of Before
(where most of the world lives),
in the fever dream that promises infinite choices, unlimited progress, best life now.
Blessed are we in the After zone, loudly shouting:
Is there anybody here?
And we hear the echo, the shuffle of feet,
the murmur of others
asking the same question.
together in knowledge
that we are far beyond what we know.
God, show us a glimmer of possibility
in this new constraint,
that small truths will be given back to us.
We are held.
We are safe.
We are loved.
We are loved.
We are loved.
(The Lives We Actually Have, p. 188)
Be the first to know when we release a new resource like this one.
WATCH
If you’re facing death—your own or someone you love—this question feels impossibly close: Why do we have to die? In this tender conversation, Kate asks Rev. Tom Long, who has spent his life at the graveside, why death is part of life. And he reminds us gently: in the life of God, nothing is lost. We are held in a love that does not let go.
You can listen to their conversation, here.
WATCH
If you are dying—or loving someone who is—you may wonder quietly: What will it be like? Will it hurt? Will I be afraid? Dr. Kathryn Mannix has spent a lifetime beside people at the end, and here she offers the gentlest reassurance: dying is often peaceful. Like falling into a deeper sleep. And here, she tenderly describes what you can expect as your body does what it was beautifully made to do.
You can listen to their conversation, here.
READ
With the End in Mind: Dying, Death & Wisdom in an Age of Denial
by Dr. Kathryn Mannix
Dr. Kathryn Mannix has studied and practiced palliative care for thirty years. In With the End in Mind, she shares beautifully crafted stories from a lifetime of caring for the dying, and she makes a compelling case for the therapeutic power of approaching death not with trepidation, but with openness, clarity, and understanding.
READ
Between Two Kingdoms: A Memoir of Life Interrupted
by Suleika Jaouad
Cancer survivor Suleika Jaouad explores her journey between two worlds and examines her own survivorship in the kingdom of the sick. Using the lens of dual citizenship, Jaouad engages her ongoing work to pursue survival, healing, and honesty in the years following cancer treatment.
READ
The Bright Hour: A Memoir of Living and Dying
by Nina Riggs
Cancer patient and young mother Nina Riggs draws readers into her experience of terminal illness as she documents her days in the liminal space between life and death. Her memoir is also a moving testament to themes like marriage, friendship, and parenthood in the midst of unfathomable loss.
READ
New York Times Op-Ed: When A Couch is More than a Couch
by Nina Riggs
In this tender reflection, Nina Riggs shares how she navigated her partner’s terminal illness by choosing love in the ordinary—finding sacredness in shared silence, soft blankets, and the quiet dignity of presence. It’s a story about how a couch became an altar, and how love endures even when words and time run out.
READ
When Breath Becomes Air: What Makes Life Worth Living in the Face of Death
by Paul Kalanithi
Paul Kalanithi is an acclaimed neurosurgeon, happily married, and climbing towards top medical fellowships programs when a Stage IV cancer diagnosis unravels his plans. Written with beauty and fragility, When Breath Becomes Air documents Paul’s diagnosis, treatment, and pending death in this stunning auto-biographical work. Following Paul’s death, Kate interviewed his widow, Lucy Kalanithi, on the podcast episode, “Costly Love.”
“Not talking about dying isn’t really working for us, is it?” — Dr. Kathryn Mannix
—From Kate’s conversation with Dr. Kathryn Mannix, on the episode Living with the End in Mind, Everything Happens Podcast
LISTEN
Tom Long: Number Our Days
Tom Long talks with Kate about how we can learn to journey with families and communities through death. What true things can we say in the face of death, particularly when loved ones die in difficult circumstances or carry painful realities? Examining funerals as ritual care, Kate and Tom describe the necessity of ritual in drawing us into a wider, truer story than the trite version our culture likes to tell us..
LISTEN
Sam Wells: Being With
How do you stay close to someone whose pain you can’t fix, whose questions you can’t answer? Kate explores the power of presence with her dear friend, the Rev. Dr. Sam Wells, a longtime advocate of “being with,” a theology that goes beyond advice and into the sacred space of simply staying. Together, Sam invites us into the courageous work of showing up without trying to tidy things up.
LISTEN
Sunita Puri:
The Uncertainty Specialist
Kate interviews palliative care physician Dr. Sunita Puri to ask questions about pain, comfort, and the limits of modern medicine. Together, they explore what palliative care is and is not. Palliative medicine is about finding compassionate and precise ways to give voice to life’s hardest subjects: what it means to live a good life and to die well, what we want our lives to look like when we are seriously ill, and the ways we would want our bodies and souls handled when our bodies approach their natural limits.
LISTEN
Tom Lynch:
Good Grief
Few people see death as up-close and consistently as undertakers like Thomas Lynch. In this episode, Thomas and Kate explore what elements make up a good funeral and what this funeral director has learned about life, death, and mortality. Thomas is also a poet and essayist who finds ways to connect language and beauty to painful end-of-life realities.
LISTEN
Kathryn Mannix:
Living with the End in Mind
Dr. Kathryn Mannix is a palliative care physician and cognitive behavioral therapist. She offers practical steps to help people and their loved ones make sense of what limited choices they have, navigate any pain and fear they may experience, and offers a profound perspective on what the end of a life can look like.
FREE DOWNLOAD: YOu Are Loved
When everything felt like it was falling apart, my sister Maria said, “You are loved. You are loved. You are loved. You are here. You will not disappear.” I held onto those words like a lifeline—and if you need that reminder too, you can download this lock screen and carry it with you, like a little blessing in your pocket.
CONSIDER THIS
- All human beings live with uncertainty, but patients entering hospice experience this precarity differently. How are you finding ways to navigate the uncertainty of daily life? What loved ones and other staying forces have supported you during a time of unraveling?
- In a culture that’s fixated on good health and human flourishing, what losses do you experience as you name the reality of death? What unexpected freedoms have you encountered by naming the fact that your life is finite?
- At the end of the video clip, Tom Long insists that “in the life of the eternal, there is nothing lost of human love.” How would you respond to that claim about a larger perspective? Can an attentiveness towards eternity change how we think about the durability of human love?
