How cancer has changed me

I am young/old. diagnosed with triple-negative breast cancer just after my 59th birthday in April 2020. Young people think I am old and older people think I am young. When you are my age you have done the work. You have plowed your fields and if you are lucky as I am you are ready to reap the harvest, but then cancer knocks on your door and says maybe you have little time left, and all that work you put it you may not get to enjoy the fruits of your labor. You know that trip you and your husband put off to go to Italy in retirement, so you could spend your 30’s and 40’s raising your children. Maybe you should speed that trip up. Those grandchildren you have been waiting for, maybe you should buys some books and read them on video, so they will know you or maybe since the doctor said you are NED you have a long time ahead of you, but you can not trust that now.
The mind-body connection I have never felt this so clear. My mind was rich, happy and I loved and appreciated life. I did not need cancer to teach my life was full of beauty and wonder as I felt this most day. I treated my body with care and my mind feels like a jilted lover. My mind is afraid to see the future and plan because my body might betray it again and the betrayal of my body hurt me to my core. Is this logical, no. But my relationship with my body has been damaged and my mind wants to protect me, but how.
My son who has the option of great business trips has invited me to Paris next October. Of course, I said yes as I tremble in fear at my excitement of the future and the 3 scans between now and next October I will have to pass. I am afraid to wish for that lovely Paris trip. I am afraid my body will break my heart again and I will suffer the overwhelming grief of losing my future. But as I write to you I feel guilty as I have had the opportunity to see my children grow and I struggle with where to put these emotions as I know my grief is valid as is yours.